There are some things in life...

... that you can rely on.

For instance, the telephone ringing just as you've sat down with a nice cup of hot tea, or the golf (I mean what sort of a sport is that? It's about as interesting as having warm marmalade applied beneath the fingernails) over-running on BBC Two to such an extent that whatever cool sci-fi/fantasy* show they are now showing gets cancelled or, and lastly, your PC crashing just as you've typed out that long email or document without having saved it.

I can also rely on every other Tuesday being the most miserable and boring day of the week. Why? I hear you collectively cry. Well, that is all day meeting day. Why must we have an all day meeting when my attention span is at best twenty minutes? To make matters worse I am feeling very tired today and a little cranky. Actually this has the makings of an interesting meeting, perhaps I could 'lose it' and go berserk, a la Ben and Matt in Dogma. Alternatively I could simply go surreal in a Vince and Howard (Boosh) stylee. Or, as is more than likely, I'll sit with my cup of tea in my 'keep warm' flask/mug and fall asleep within half an hour.

Roll on Wednesday and save me from the tyranny of pointless, mundane and far too long meetings.

*An interesting aside (well I think it is so I'm going to mention it). ITV 3 or 4, no idea which one, has been showing Space 1999 and UFO, the two real-life action series created by Gerry 'Thunderbirds' Anderson. Getting all nostalgic when I saw they were on I flicked over via the remote and sat down to relive my childhood Saturday mornings. Now they may have been two not very good episodes but the dialogue was pathetic, and the acting, apart from Martin Landau (we're not worthy) was appalling. Still the theme tunes are cool, so next time they are on I'll watch the first five minutes and then turn off. This is a good thing with regard to Space 1999 as they show all the best bits of the show in a preview over the title sequence. So you get the story, all the special effects, but no dialogue, over a great theme tune.

Unbelievable, or is it?

Well the story of the whale in the thames had an unhappy ending, for the whale. Sadly it died and so the recriminations are starting. Anyway, the Mail on Sunday joined in with its stable mates when it comes to journalistic originality. Their headline for the sad story was 'Farewhale', wonders will never cease.

To get things in perspective though I recommend you have a read of this - you tell it Steve.

Daily Mail press genius

On Friday most of the UK were watching scenes of whale that had managed to swim up the River Thames and end of up in Central London. Currently it is still there and the best place to see what is happening is at the BBC.

But I was stunned at the journalistic creative genius that flows effortlessly out of the Daily Mail. It is no wonder that it is possibly the worst newspaper on the planet. It must have taken all of a nanosecond to come up with the front page headline for Saturday's Mail. I can just imagine the editors sitting around trying to think of the front page copy. Whale, up the Thames, in London and it is trapped... what did these creative, talented, highly-paid hacks come up with?

Free Willy

The doctors, triads and brocolli

The local Chinese restaurant is very good. We're not talking 'take-away' here but restaurant. However they do a 'cheap' lunch menu that I have partaken of several times over the years I have lived here. On this menu many of the meals come with 'seasonal vegetables', however everytime you order one of these meals the 'seasonal vegetables' always turn out to be brocolli. Now I have nothing against brocolli, but why not simply put that on the menu, instead of giving the false hope that one day you may get spring green, or green beans.

So what is the link to my doctor? Well, it seems that I need to take a trip to the doctors for him to have a look at my knees. Currently when I walk up the stairs there is a clicking noise that I am sure shouldn't be there. This noise is coming from my knee and not the stair-boards as I first hoped. If I was a robot a good sprinkling of WD40 would help but I am, despite claims to the contrary from some, alive. The noise is coming from my right knee and so a trip to my 'Chinese' doc is called for. Now he is a good guy and a very competent doc. (When I say Chinese doc I mean his ethnic background is Chinese, not that when I go there he will give me some bark and twigs, tell me to boil it in hot water and drink the stuff.) Although there is always an irrational fear that he will send me away with a prescription for powdered rhino horn (or paerhaps that is simply wishful thinking).

Anyhow my doctor has a habit of talking about nothing inparticular when you go and visit him. On several occasions this leads to him expounding on the nutritional merits of, you guessed it brocolli. I am beginning to wonder if he is in league with the Chinese restuarant? Is there a sinister conection between the two? Or, has my wonderful little town been infiltrated by a Triad gang, who, having seen the rise in 'vegetarianism' have opted from drug smuggling into the 'brocolli' market? Perhaps there is more money to be made from 'Home countries green' than 'Moroccan Red'.

Women Bishops

It seems the whore, sorry I mean, bride of Christ is having another fun time. Yes the Church of England is trying to sort out how to get women bishops into place. Now personally I don't much hold to the whole ordination thing so couldn't really care less. But I was watching the news at lunchtime and couldn't stop laughing.

There was an interview with some lady who was on some committee or other and she was explainign how a proposal of 'getting around' having a women bishop worked. Some bods in the church don't want a woman bishop or any priest associted with them because of something that they call 'tainting'. Therefore if they want they can have a male bishop who hasn't ordained any women priests at all, and is therefore untainted.

Anyhow what made me laugh was the phrase this woman used. How she didn't laugh as she realised what she said I don't know, or is it perhaps that people connected with the church are a little out of touch with society? (That is a rhetorical question, I know the answer to that.) She said, and I paraphrase slightly, although the funny line is exact, 'So Parishers can opt for a Bishop who is not tainted (here it comes)a bishop who has never laid hands on a woman.'

Jonny B's

Private Secret Diary is a very funny blog. I have mentioned it before but thought I should mention it again as today, or was it yesterday, he mentioned two of my musical heroes. I feel vindicated for living. So if you want to know more about the wonderful life of Jonny, the LTLP, Narcaleptic Dave and the rest of the crowd from Norfolk then go here and have a good laugh.

Happy Blogday to me

One of the features that blogger have is to count the number of posts you have made, and mine has now reached the magical number of 100. I wanted to mark this ocassion with some highly humourous, witty and acerbic attack on some injustice in the world, or to give you all something to chuckle at, but with the time it was taking to come up with something, it was starting to feel like there was a millstone around my neck, 'how could I breach the 100th post barrier?' So in the end decided just to tell you and write some drivel.

Of course, I have deleted several posts over my time here and so I probably passed the 100 post count several weeks back. In which case, this is a totally pointless post anyway! And while I'm writing this the tea I made is slowly going cold too. (Ah feel better now after that mini-rant).

So what does 2006 have lined up up for 'cold tea again'? Well hopefully a lot more of the same, as I do battle with the frustrations of life, love and the joy of procrastinating.

1 and 1 Internet - the conclusion

'Ok pay the money into the account details I sent you. You told me you had the details and that payment would be in 14 days. If you don't I will add a £15 administartion charge and will be adding interest on a daily basis... as per my conditions'

'We paid the money into your account several days ago, please can you check'

'No it hasn't, not into the account that I sent you.'

'Well it was paid before Christmas'

'Hey Darren,' the co-dependent 'that 1 and 1 payment has gone into my account, do you want it transfered'

'yes please'

'Thank you for paying me the money, but you paid it into the account that I expressly told you not too because I don't have access to it.'

'Sorry for the inconvenience.'

Ironically, and I think I am using it in the right context here, I just received a customer satisfaction questionnaire from 1 and 1 Internet. I'll enjoy filling that in.

very small print because I am so embarrased
The bank details I sent to 1 and 1 were wrong and so if they had done what I asked I wouldn't have got the money at all. Praise be for inefficiency.

Happy New Year?

I wonder why Charles Dickens chose Christmas as the feast for his Scrooge story. Ok, the main character is a little thrifty and caught up in his own world, but I wonder why Christmas. Yes, it is the season of goodwill and joy to all men, but really there is a much better time for pessimists, anti-philanthropists and people who write 'cold-tea' blogs... of course I refer to the annual out-pouring of optimism that heralds in the New Year.

We write our long lists of resolutions and send best wishes for the forthcoming weeks and months, as though we really do believe that things will change. But to be perfectly honest they won't, they haven't for millennia so why should 2006 be any different. We'll still be killing each other and slowly dissolving the planet, being polite in front of others while sticking pins in their proxies when they aren't looking. Things wont be any different. We'll still lose close freinds, some I fear wont be seeing 2007 unless something miraculous happens, so perhaps 2006 will be different for them as it will be their last here. But hey, that is life (or death).

So a merry post to start the year? Well actually I think it is. By recognising that everything isn't going to change overnight, we may be able to realise that we have to put some effort in. If we want things to be better, we have to choose to act and be better. Sitting back and living the anaesthetized existence that we all love to hate won't change a thing, but living, breathing and making this world a better place can. Take a page from Rio Ferdinand's book, he's now scored twice in four games... miracles don't just happen at Christmas. And for those who can't do anything to change their current circumstances perhaps that miracle could be ahead this year